I’ve been reading The Long Goodbye authored by Patti Davis. I can’t read much in one sitting, too many tears. Patti has a way of unlocking the feelings deep inside and brining them to the surface where they are all too real and raw.
It is a Long Goodbye. I see pieces of Kris falling away, ever so slightly, every day. I sometimes catch her just staring into the distance, not really here or present. I say something to her and she repeats it back to me as a question or just starts repeating one word that caught her attention.
The hardest part is watching her wonder around the house, repeating words and phrases . I try to imagine what is going on inside. I sometimes ask and receive responses that don’t make sense. Her mind races and words just flow all day. The words are jumbled to me. I want to believe the words have meaning for her. I want to believe that in her mind it all makes sense and we just can’t see it. I want to believe that she is ok inside, no fear, happiness…peace.
A year ago Kris was always angry and frustrated as she tried to do her art, cook or even do a simple daily task. It was a real struggle for her, knowing and fighting. She is past that now. She no longer has outbursts, no more frustration. Her emotions have become less nuanced, more childlike (in a beautiful way.) Many people have commented on how she can enjoy the simplicity of a flower or the clouds. She has always enjoyed those things, but now it’s different. It’s a simpler, yet more amazing, love for those things in life. The effect these things have on her and how she expresses makes a person stop and pause. That’s the best I can describe it. All I know is that it is powerful.