to have and to hold

I wrote this letter to Kris back in March of this year (2019). It, to date, has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to come to terms with some things in life. I had to be brutally honest and admit that I am losing her in some ways. I had get my mind wrapped around the fact that I needed to let go of some things in our life and stop wishing and wondering about the would haves and could haves.  This letter is a goodbye of sorts…not a surrender or a giving up, but an acceptance to where we are in life. An acceptance of knowing that when Kris looks at me, she doesn’t remember our past life or our future plans, she can’t have a conversation, express her thoughts or needs.  She only knows the moment she is in. These moments are fleeting and precious.

Kris,

35yrs ago God brought us together. God actually trusted me with you; His precious daughter. He gave me the gift of a fiery, red headed, blued-eyed beauty who was full of passion and life. He gave me the gift of knowing you, loving you and living life with you. 

I vowed to hold you and love you through everything; rich and poor, good and bad, sickness and health.  Those vows imply that I will do everything in my power to care for you, to meet your needs, to journey this life with you. They are the actions that bring power and meaning to the word “Love”.

Our journey has taken a twist. God put us together to be ONE and I know we have become one. I know this because Alzheimer’s has taken you down a path that is separating us and ripping at us. The depths of my being, every fiber that I am is screaming in pain. I feel like I am being turned inside out. My soul cries out for you.  

We are together, yet apart. The path that you did not choose is getting harder and harder for me to see. You, the things that make you, that make us, are getting harder to see. The path is becoming narrower. We used to walk side by side. Now I am behind you, falling back, reaching for you and missing. I can’t go with you….I can’t leave you.

I have to love you in a different way now. I have to hold you and care for you in a different way. I have to trust that God is on that path with you. I have to trust that He is speaking to you, comforting you, keeping you safe. I have to trust that God is reminding you that I love you and have done the best I can to care for you. 

I have you in my heart and soul.  I am asking God to hold you for the rest of the journey.  

I have faith that He will care for you; His precious daughter. 

8 thoughts on “to have and to hold

  1. We all love with what we have and then HE makes up the difference. You now know what it cost Jesus to let his cousin John the Baptist go without intervening in the flesh. Trusting God to be God is the greatest thing we’ll ever do.

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  2. The committment and the love you are giving is a testimony of faith in God and your marriage.
    In this separation that you are going through, I send you love, prayers, and keeping you in my thoughts. As you say, you are the keeper of your relationship, the memories and the love.
    May God give you the strength and endurance and love, to finish this walk with Kris, from here to heaven.

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  3. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Kris. Alot of us cant imagine what you are going thru but we are all here for you if you need us. You are such an inspiration and an example to many as you go down this road. Please call on me if you need anything. I will honor her as I walk for her in September. I know God has you and Kris, God is good!

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  4. Dave, All of you are in my thoughts and prayers! I don’t know what else to say other than I love you and wish I could help in some way. XOXO

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  5. Dave, these heartfelt words are so beautiful and a testament to your love and devotion to your wife. I am sad for you and your family. My grandmother had alzheimers for many years. I chose to not visit her because it made me so sad. I now feel ashamed for staying away because even though she didn’t remember me, I remembered her and all the special times we had together. It isn’t right or wrong on how you handle yourself, it’s that you be yourself. You have a tremendous supportive family and I am here to listen or talk, if you need. sending prayers ^j^

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  6. Dave and Kris I said this before and I’ll say it again, I just wished this never happened and I want to take it away because we love you both so, so much! I know everyone will beleive their is a reason and God has control but this disease is so devastating and it’ is just not fair. Kris is precious to us and her beauty is still alive and always will be. Dave you are an incredible husband and even in your trials your smile is the warmest! Love you both immensely💕

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  7. There’s no shame in love nor is there guilt…Not in true love. Your job was to protect and treat Kris with honor, respect and dignity. You did. You are. You will.

    God’s always had her. But then again, He always had you too. He’s always been strong enough for the both of you.

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