I wrote this letter to Kris back in March of this year (2019). It, to date, has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to come to terms with some things in life. I had to be brutally honest and admit that I am losing her in some ways. I had get my mind wrapped around the fact that I needed to let go of some things in our life and stop wishing and wondering about the would haves and could haves. This letter is a goodbye of sorts…not a surrender or a giving up, but an acceptance to where we are in life. An acceptance of knowing that when Kris looks at me, she doesn’t remember our past life or our future plans, she can’t have a conversation, express her thoughts or needs. She only knows the moment she is in. These moments are fleeting and precious.
35yrs ago God brought us together. God actually trusted me with you; His precious daughter. He gave me the gift of a fiery, red headed, blued-eyed beauty who was full of passion and life. He gave me the gift of knowing you, loving you and living life with you.
I vowed to hold you and love you through everything; rich and poor, good and bad, sickness and health. Those vows imply that I will do everything in my power to care for you, to meet your needs, to journey this life with you. They are the actions that bring power and meaning to the word “Love”.
Our journey has taken a twist. God put us together to be ONE and I know we have become one. I know this because Alzheimer’s has taken you down a path that is separating us and ripping at us. The depths of my being, every fiber that I am is screaming in pain. I feel like I am being turned inside out. My soul cries out for you.
We are together, yet apart. The path that you did not choose is getting harder and harder for me to see. You, the things that make you, that make us, are getting harder to see. The path is becoming narrower. We used to walk side by side. Now I am behind you, falling back, reaching for you and missing. I can’t go with you….I can’t leave you.
I have to love you in a different way now. I have to hold you and care for you in a different way. I have to trust that God is on that path with you. I have to trust that He is speaking to you, comforting you, keeping you safe. I have to trust that God is reminding you that I love you and have done the best I can to care for you.
I have you in my heart and soul. I am asking God to hold you for the rest of the journey.
I have faith that He will care for you; His precious daughter.