It has been too long since I last wrote about our life and journey with Kris and Alzheimers. My thoughts over this past year have been just too dark and depressing to even express. Kris is at a point where she needs assistance with the most basic functions in life. Putting on socks, a shirt, showering, brushing teeth, using the toilet, communicating and just getting out of the house to go somewhere, have all become such a challenge for her and us.
There was a point this last summer where I was so angry and stressed. Have you ever been stressed and not realized until someone brought it to your attention? Nobody had to bring it to my attention this time. I was finally able to tell others how much pressure I felt, not my norm. It was good for me to be able to admit that I needed help. I had spent the last 2 years just trying to keep up with the logistics of making sure that Kris was taken care of, knowing the whole time that the emotional weight was still there…waiting, calling, eager to be dealt with.
It finally got it’s day. I remember one day in particular, it was a day off and I was home alone with Kris. We were trying to get her dressed and were tussling over getting her shirt on, arms going in the neck hole, arms getting into the sleeve hole and then getting pulled back out, shirt up and over the head and almost on, then pulled back off…spiraling out of my control…shirt thrown across the room…stomping out. I found myself in the kitchen at the back door. I opened the door and slammed it as hard as I could, hoping to do damage to it. No damage, so I tried a dozen more times. Still no damage. Lots of anger and shame tho. Just being honest enough to tell this story has been good for me. I’m just not one who shares everything. But I have learned that things must change. I need to let people in, share more with my family, let my friends know where I am emotionally and spiritually.
Sometimes it hurts to read Scripture.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
This passage had a completely different meaning 3 years ago. It was easy to have hope. It was easy to plan our future. It was easy to trust God. He does have plans for us. I believe good plans for us. I don’t fully see them, I don’t fully understand them and definitely can’t even imagine what our future holds.
I know this, God has prospered us: With a deep love for each other. Kris can’t talk much, but everyday I tell her I love her and she tells me she loves me. I can see in here eyes that it is a clear statement, not just a repeat of what I said. It gives me hope. He has prospered us with a loving family: All of our kids and their spouses continue to sacrifice for us and I couldn’t be more grateful or proud to be their dad and father-in- law. They are our future and it’s good.